The Apocalypse: Who Ya Got?

Bear Grylls

In your average survival situation, I might be inclined to choose Survivorman Les Stroud, as he’s not so intense and pretty well-versed in hunkering down to await rescue.

But this is the apocalypse folks. Hell on Earth, all bets are off, you do what’s needed to get from one breath to the next kind of survival. That’s what makes Bear my #1 draft pick. If I have to squeeze the water out of elephant crap to make it to tomorrow, bring it on.

The Mythbusters

Don’t get me wrong; while it would be cool to run a full battery of myth-busting tests on the zombie hordes, what I really need is people who can build and fix shit. Who better for that than a group of ragtag geeks and machinists? Better still is the welcome bonus of Kari Byron. She’s like the sexy prize in a big box of boring guy cereal.

Tony Jaa

While one of my top goals will be to amass a gigantic weapons store, it doesn’t hurt to have someone on hand that can protect the group — including Angelina’s fertile womb — from the crazies we are sure to encounter along the treacherous path to preserving the human race.

Kevin Smith

Adding Kevin to the team may be one of the smartest decisions yet, for three very important reasons.

1. It ensures I am not the least physically intimidating person.
2. He’ll keep our spirits up with laughter.
3. If shit gets really bad, I suspect he will be fairly easy to outrun.

Bill Murray

For obvious reasons.

Christopher Walken

I don’t know. Just to make it even more surreal.

Angelina Jolie

At first glance this may seem like an obvious choice for obvious reasons, however, let me elaborate. While the assumption that her inclusion on the team is for the burdensome task of repopulating the planet may be spot on, it’s not necessarily because I think she’s the hottest woman on the planet. In fact, while admittedly a sex kitten, she probably wouldn’t even crack my top 50. That being said, you’ve got to respect those nurturing skills. Is there really a woman better positioned to be a mother and ambassador to the future generation of apocalypse survivors? I think not.

Giada de Laurentiis

Because eventually the team is going to get tired of eating zebra carcass and elephant dung water.

The Guys From Who's Line Is It Anyway?

We’re gunna need some entertainment, right? A little humor will be needed when the end of the world approaches. I think these guys would get my mind off all the chaos, if ya know what I mean.

Michele Norris and Robert Siegel from NPR's "All Things Considered"

I’m guessing things will be happening fast. Really fast. Who will make sense of quickly occurring events for us and make them all sound bearable if we don’t have these two smooth-voiced, calm radio newspeople? So I’m calling Michele and Robert.

Oh, and Jesus.

‘Cause even if the apocalypse doesn’t turn out like the book of Revelation predicts and he doesn’t come through with those flying horses and s**t, he can still turn various liquids into wine. A very valuable person to have around.

And all scholars agree, JayFerris, that Jesus was actually a real man, so don’t go trying to steal my pick on a technicality.