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Bail Bond 101 - How To Get Your Friend Out Of Jail In San Francisco
- by elissa
- -
- May 28, 2009
(5)
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The call comes in the night. A private number, three times in a row. The blurry red light of your clock radio pains your eyes. It's 5 a.m., and you answer. "Hello? Who is it?" You sit up. "What's a U.I.P.?"
1) This Is Not A Dream
Yes, it’s true: That kid from your middle school soccer team who just moved to town has gotten himself locked up. He really wouldn’t be calling you, except you’re the only person he knows in town so far, and his mom would just throw a conniption-fit if he had called her and blah blah blah you’re in a cab on your way to the city jail.
TIP: Grab your phone charger. You’ll be making a lot of calls.
San Francisco County Jail
850 Bryant Street, #600 San Francisco, CA 94103
Lost the laminated card of emergency numbers and addresses your mom made for you before you moved out? Here’s where you’ll be heading.
Even if your long lost friend was temporarily held in other parts of town, this is where he or she will probably end up.
2) Don't Waste Time
After you make it past the guards and metal detectors, you may think to follow the crowds heading upstairs for visiting hours. Well, think again. Unless you’d get a kick out of spending 2 hours on a splintery wooden bench with some prostitute’s grandma, you will not find what you’re looking for upstairs.
Instead, call 415.575.4410, and a gregarious night-shift official will inform you of your friend’s charge, location, and bail fee.
3) $$$
NOTE: Do not panic when you’re told the bail is $35,000. Through use of a bail bond, you will only have to provide 10% of the total up front. Remember all the Hi-C juice boxes said friend bequeathed upon you in the 90s before you even consider checking your bank statement.
4) Answer All Private & Unknown Numbers
I’ve made it a policy to never answer strange or private numbers on my cell phone. As someone who has trouble saying no, answering such calls usually results in me having to help some guy from work move an old couch he found in an alley using duct tape and a shopping cart. But now is the time to break this rule. Besides, if it’s anyone but your incarcerated pal, you can always politely explain you’re busy trying to get a bail bond.
5) Handling The Call
When your favorite jailbird calls and starts frantically whispering that his cell-mate got arrested for dropping his gun when running from the cops, try to calm him before his voice cracks and he calls too much attention to himself. Let him know that with your expertise, he’ll be running free in the SOMA dawn in a few short hours.
NOTE: That “one phone call” thing is a myth, so have your inmate check in periodically.
As you can see, you’ll have to travel no farther than you can throw a dime in order to max out your credit card. The bail bonders used their heads when choosing a location.
6) Getting The Bail Rolling
The sooner you call in your bail bond, the better chance you have of leading your terrified friend to his emancipation in a timely fashion. (If you get to it before he is fully checked in, the bailout process will take 2 hours as opposed to 6). Call the number on one of the colorful bail bond awnings, and awaken a groggy, yet dutiful employee whose voice is the audio manifestation of Seagram’s 7 and Virginia Slims.
7) The Friendly Bonders
Before you know it, you will find yourself face-to-face with a friendly bail bonder of indiscriminate sex, barring the few foam curlers still in her mullet. You will feign laughter over tales of her first night in jail, where she met her maid of honor for her second wedding, as you sign your life away on an inch-thick series of paperwork.
7) Killing Time
Once Peggy-John has scampered off to post your bail, you’ll have a couple of hours to kill. Rather than twiddle your thumbs and contemplate the slow power-tripping bureaucracy of government-run industry, why not pass the time by enjoying the most important meal of the day?
Cafe Venue
67 5th St, San Francisco, CA 94103
Want to stay in close proximity to the slammer? Feast on a Cafe Venue’s legendary breakfast burrito while your middle-school companion is posing for his mugshot.
Want to stay in close proximity to the slammer? Feast on a Cafe Venue’s legendary breakfast burrito while your middle-school companion is posing for his mugshot.
Brainwash Cafe & Laundromat
1122 Folsom Street San Francisco, CA 94103
Since you’re in the hood, you may as well check out this fabled multi-tasking hotspot. I played a show here once, and the baristas didn’t spit on me. Yay!
Your Best Meal Of The Entire Week: where to get brunch in San Francisco
And since it’ll probably take at least a couple of hours for the jail’s resident Picasso to fingerprint your friend, may as well make an adventure out of it, and seek out some of these breakfast gems. Be sure to bring leftovers back to the jail!
***********WANTED**************
Even after all you’ve been through, remember to be supportive as your emotionally-damaged friend exits the jail building, with nothing but a moldy pb&j in his stomach. Remind him to count all the cash in his wallet, and compliment him on his adorable mugshot for good measure. After all is said and done, he owes you BIG.
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New Orleans jail at Mardi Gras. Now that is a fun one…
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