Fear and Loathing: A Hipster's Guide to Surviving Las Vegas

1. Do Some Research

and watch some of the good movies about Las Vegas high jinks.

I find this really gets you in the mood for the classic, seedy side of Las Vegas that you can channel while you’re actually there. Some suggestions:

The original Ocean’s Eleven. NOT the Steven Soderbergh remake. Do I even need to say that?

Rain Man. I know it’s only partly based in Las Vegas, but it really captures the things possible when you zoom through the strip with your severely autistic brother in your dead father’s car. Besides, when’s the last time you watched it ?

Casino. DeNiro, Pesci, and Stone – and a lot of murder and cocaine. Makes you feel dirty – you’ll need a shower afterwards.

Showgirls. This would be the exception to the “good” movies about Las Vegas moniker but you at least have to see this thing once. Even if it’s just to watch Jessie dance

Fear and Loathing. A Hunter s. Thompson film adaption? I wonder how Terry Gilliam had the temerity. Holy Christmas, is this a Vegas movie. As if you needed to be reminded that “this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs.” Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t watch this one

2. Prepare Yourself

for the fact that everything cool in Las Vegas has died. Died or gone deep, deep, deep into hiding.

Instead of everything looking like the above picture, it now looks like this.

And like this:

And costs a zillion dollars. But once you have resigned yourself to this fact, you won’t be tempted to think your trip will resemble a scene out of Casino or Fear and Loathing, but you’ll be able to look for and hopefully find the ramparts of cool.

Hint: ramparts of cool are not hidden in Kevin Federline’s pants.

3. Insist On Your Own Hotel Room

This should in no way be compromised on, especially in the following scenarios:

Bachelor/Bachelorette parties
Corporate events
Aforementioned family reunions

And gentlemen, if the Las Vegas miracle of going home with someone becomes a reality, your dream will be dashed if going “home” looks like this:

Ooooooh, yeah.

4. Avoid and Ignore Vegas Fashion

Why is the fashion so deplorable? Because the majority of people are from LA, and I’m sorry to have to tell you this folks, but the majority of people from LA have a really, really, really poor aesthetic.

So while you are there, keep your head down or your eyes glued on the cocktail waitress’ rear, else you might run in to one of these beauties:

printed designer tee

Is this a joke?

the beautiful bride

Dear God.

the "sexy" outfit

Bring some of that over here!

5. Don't Gamble at the Big Hotels

6. Don't Hit the Clubs

Ok, Ok, if you have to for whatever social reason, I understand. But here is my sage advice:

1. Convince everyone to go in for bottle service. There is no point in going to a club, waiting 2 hours in line just to get in, and then spending too much $$ at an overly-crowded bar where you spend your whole night trying to get the bartender’s attention for a weak drink.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but reserving a table and getting bottle service ensures that it at least won’t be the worst night you ever had.

2. Ignore the music. OK, I admit. Ignoring is impossible, especially since the same 5 songs are played over, and over, and over again. And these songs are baaaaaaaaaaaad. So I suggest thinking of the club music as if it’s some weird social experiment. As if we we deprived a human being development, vocabulary, and outside cultural influences and then we demanded they sing. Just keep thinking, “It’s not their fault. It’s not their fault.”

3. If a celebrity comes in, go in the bathroom until it’s over. Otherwise you will have to bear witness to the whole club freaking out for some cheap blonde in pleather leggings or some faux-hawk DB. My treat at XS last weekend was watching everyone panty splash over Nicky Hilton. God help the human race.

7. How To Deal with the DB

The DB (Doucehbag, for those not familiar with the term) is completely ubiquitous in Vegas. There is no getting around him (or, sometimes, her).

Since you can run (and not very fast with that drink in your hand) and not hide from the DB, there are certain counter-DB actions you should take:

Avoid DB-attracting behviours like: drinking Bud Light, dancing on the pole in the middle of the club, ordering a cosmo when you are playing at the tables, saying, “Wait, who sings this song again? I love it!”, reading US magazine, wearing flip-flops when not at the pool, having a butterfly tattoo at the base of your back, or being anywhere in or around the Hard Rock casino.

Put Some Thought Into the Flight Home

Book a flight that’s not too early and not too late. 2-4pm usually works well.

Too early, and you will either miss your flight out, or miserably and half-drunkenly scramble around your hotel room searching for that missing stiletto while still smoking a cigarette.

Too late and you will spend a whole hot and hung-over day wasting time before you know you have to get to the airport.