How To Eat A Burrito Bigger Than Your Arm

Step 1: 3-6 Mo. of Hard Training

You can’t just wake up one day and decide to eat a burrito bigger than your arm. It takes months of hard training to get in shape for said battle with burrito.

Getting drunk and eating other large foods is best way to prepare.

“Punching sides of beef” approach used here by Sly Stalone; not as helpful.

Step 3: Select a Burrito Place

To find a worthy burrito adversary, you have to know where to look.

All respectable late night burrito places should have the following:

(1) Owned by actual Mexican people — Not Taco Bell or Chipotle

(2) Some type of crude, culturally insensitive sign. This typically involves a caricature of a Mexican dude with a sombrero and mustache. Often times, he’ll also be wearing a poncho, shooting off a pistol, or riding a donkey.

(3) Authentic decor = gold framed paintings of Virgin Mary on the walls.

(4) One of those things on the counter where you can get mini york peppermint patties if you stick a quarter in a slot to help find a missing child.

(5) Open at 4 AM.

Step 4: Trash Talk to the Burrito

Before you start your battle, tell the burrito how much it sucks and how awesome you are. Doing so will help you get into the proper mindset for this epic challenge while simultaneously psyching out your nemesis burrito.

When taunting inanimate objects, everyone’s got their own style of smack talk and you can choose whatever style works for you.

Personally, I like to yell out non sequitur catch phrases from the Sega Genesis game, NBA Jams, such as “He’s on Fire!!!”, “The nail in the coffin”, and “He can’t buy a bucket”

Step 5: After Purchasing Burrito, Make Sure Burrito is Regulation Size

Burrito must extend from your elbow to your wrist.

If for some reason you don’t have arms, you can use a dollar bill to approximate regulation burrito size.

Step 6: Roll Up Your Sleeves to Begin Battle

There’s no better way to intimidate your opponent than showing off a tattoo of you riding a burrito like Dr. Strangelove.

Step 7: Pace yourself

The key to eating a burrito bigger than your arm is to pace yourself.

Just kidding. Pacing is for wimps. Scarf it as fast as you possibly can.

Remember this is a sprint not a marathon.

Step 9: Declare Victory!!

Raise arms victoriously. Congratulations, you are a glutton!!

Step 10: Do a Victory Dance

Take a moment to bask in your glory.

Step 2: Pre-Fight Preparation

Hand to hand combat with giant burritos poses serious threat of injury, death or intestinal failure. And no amount of beef punching can fully prepare your mind for the actual fight.

Calm your nerves on night of battle by getting black-out drunk.

Carne de burro?

Avoid the 4th Meal

Burrito Approximation Method for Armless Eaters

Step 8: Begin Attack Mode

Give your burrito a villainous name to make battle even more epic.

I named my burrito villain, El Feo.

More Victory Dancing

Keep basking. You deserve it, champ!!

Some choose to make burrito eating a political statement.