Horrible Celebrity Roommates Part One: Tom Cruise

Crazy Face McGee

Tom has no concept of when not to use the “crazy face.” You bring home Chinese food for dinner? Crazy face! You use the last of the toilet paper? Crazy face! His pinky hurts? Crazy face! Can you honestly say you can wake up to this crazy face every morning? Knowing him, he’s probably got pictures up all over the place so when he’s not there, you still get your dose of crazy face!

Let 'er rip!

So what can one say about this picture? Is he having a toots moment? Is he participating in the five knuckle Olympics? Either way, I know that’s not a face I’d want to come home to. WHERE exactly IS his hand? Where did those stains come from? God forbid this should be found on our sofa!!!

Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

No meds!

You can’t have any medicine in your cabinet. Here you are hiding your aspirin between your mattress and he’s off gallivanting on your sofa. Is it really necessary to keep the secret stash? You either got to drop the habit or Leah Remini will bust you.

I’m not a fan of meds unless I’m completely suffering, but I like that the option is there. Eff Xenu! Give me my Benadryl!!! I don’t want to run it off. Poor Katie Holmes was dying for a Tylenol and he made her run a marathon!

Hot Mess

What’s he in love with this week? The Swiffer?! Honestly, who wants to clean their sofa every week? More importantly, how often would you need to replace your sofa? With Tom the Monkey King jumping all over it, the springs are sure to snap and the couch will buckle. God forbid he comes in with muddy feet!

With Twilight coming out, you’d think that having a sexy vampire in your house would be a good thing. Unfortunately ladies Mr. Cruise is no Edward. He may have cold blood running through his veins, but Edward has no trouble making women hot. Tom…eh…not so much. If he’s not scaring people with Scientology, he’s sucking their blood.

So...this Guido guy...

If you’re not afraid of coming home to a house full of prostitutes or a guy name Guido stealing all of your stuff, you have Tom Cruise running around in his undies. Not only is he pantsless ladies, but he’s wearing tighty whities. One can only pray there are no skid marks on those bad boys.

He’s sliding around on a wooden floor – lord knows how easy it is to slip. Do you really want to come home to a sprawled out Tom Cruise? And with all that guitar playing on the broom, there was VERY little cleaning going on…

Tom 1, Tom 2, Tom 3...

Being a roommate with Tom Cruise means being Tom Cruise. You might go to bed with long red hair, but come morning you’re sporting a dark brown bob with a swoop bang. And just WHO do you think is sweeping up all of that hair? Not Tom!