Disappointing Your Parents Every Day In New York

Move To New York City

Mom and Dad want to see you have all kinds of success; they were also hoping you’d never know the inconvenience of a Murphy bed. Welcome to New York: everything is smaller, dirtier, and more expensive than in the movies. Look parents, junior will have to learn the ropes sooner or later. Sure, it’s not ideal to have to deal with the homeless, the noise, and to be living off of Ramen Noodles for a year, but that’s the excitement of life in the big city. Do you know how often people get mugged anymore? That’ll make a great story at his first high school reunion!

Decide To Pursue A Career In The Creative Arts

You’ve decided to leave that office job altogether – mom and dad are rejoicing! It only gets better though: you’ve decided to pursue a career in artistic expression! You’re going to be an actor! Or a painter! Or a, uh… whatever! What better way to really make something of yourself than to be a starving artist. Living paycheck-to-paycheck, no health insurance, waitering for an indefinite amount of time. I’m sure your parents couldn’t be happier for you! The fact that they’re not returning any of your calls is just a sign they want you to live the dream.

Experiment By Living With No Health Insurance

The great thrill ride of them all! Living in a world where one trip to the hospital could cost every you are worth, and you choose to live that way! Man, talk about exciting! Test your luck with a spin on The Cyclone at Coney Island, one of the oldest and unstable roller coasters in the country. There’s no real way to live without fear than without fear of whiplash!

Okay, so admittedly, this isn’t anything all that “scandalous”. However, imagine the thought of your mom thinking “Wow, he met her just like something our of When Harry Met Sally, or Sleepless In Seattle!” Nope. $34.99 a month, a witty profile, and give or take 3 to 10 pictures. Just pops the magic balloon pretty easily. Hey, at least she’s nothing intense… yet.

Get Stuck At A Dead-End Job And Love It

All that money for a college degree and you’re working in a mail room. It wouldn’t seem so bad, if you hadn’t been there for two years already. But hey, you’re get health insurance out of it. Plus, you’re making the average salary of the city. Think about how many beers that can buy you on Friday night… one and a half! Don’t worry about anything – you’re doing great. Just keep your nose to the grindstone, don’t do anything out-of-the-ordinary, always brown bag, and be on-time with everything. You’re going places… right?

Promise Them No Grandkids Until You're Forty

I think the general rule is: three years out of college necessitates the grandkids suggestions. But hey! Maybe you just don’t feel like grandkids any time soon, I mean, after all, you’re still getting used to your sweet mail room job. Plus, doesn’t it start with meeting the right woman. That will only happen when you learn how to speak to women in the first place. So it’s real simple, just promise the ‘rents that you’ll start reproducing when everything is just right, and you may or may not have the patience for it.

Date A Hooker

“Mom. Dad. I met a girl. Her name is Rainstorm.” What parent wouldn’t be psyched that their off-spring is dating someone that sounds so… “exotic.” The common misconception about a hooker girlfriend is that she’s, well, “loose in morals.” Not at all. If we’ve learned anything from Pretty Woman, it’s that they’re only selling their body until the meet Mr. Right. Maybe Mr. Right is you! But, like all romances, they’re not meant to always work out. So when you bring her home for Thanksgiving, and then the silver goes missing – don’t take it personally.

Vote For John McCain

Four more years of conservative rule with Johnny McCrazy Legs calling the shots? Sign me up! Perhaps this point is a bit polarizing. After all, my background is East Coast White Liberal Guilt Jew, but I also know my parents would love this one. Never mind that I dropped a bunch of cash on the Obama campaign, it was only a ruse. Of course I want another decade in Iraq and tax cuts for big businesses in the middle of a recession. What sane person wouldn’t?