Elissa's Guide To Guitar Center - San Francisco

The Employees

Don’t be fooled by their attentiveness and cute little outfits. Guitar Center employees are sharks. And not just any old sales sharks, but the frustrated-musician kind, still basking in the glow of their high school Battle Of The Bands back in the 90s.

-THE METAL GUY
This employee is actually good at guitar, but is predominantly concerned with showing off his skills and promoting his band, which may or may not be called The Shred Aquarium. He also calls his guitar his “axe.”

-THE LEAD SCREAMO SINGER-
This is the puppy-faced guy who’s got all sorts of gear he doesn’t use stashed in his parents’ garage.

-THE WASHED-UP DJ – This is the guy who is obsessed with all the most expensive high-tech gear, and gives out his business card so you can call him “when you wanna get hooked-up.”

Still want to go?

Here’s where it is.

2) Prepare To Haggle

Once you’ve found an appropriate model of your desired item, don’t settle for the first suggested price. Much like car salesmen, workers have some control over pricing, and always aim high to start. Use your judgment. You’re not going to haggle over a couple of guitar picks, but don’t get ripped off.

3) Stay Confident

One of the last times I went to Guitar Center to pick up some strings, the cashier actually asked, “Are you buying those for your boyfriend?”

He then tried to trick me into buying some automatic stringing tool, and some ultra-slick Elixer brand strings.

Remember: Know what you want, and stick to it!

Of course, the best way to avoid emotional pillage from Guitar Center, is to go somewhere else. Above all, consider your options:

The day has come for you to purchase something from the evil empire. Maybe it’s Sunday night and your E-string broke, and no other store is open, or maybe you need something small and Guitar Center is on your way to work…No matter the reason, here are some tips to return from the megastore with your dignity.

The Prey

My first pre-teen visit to Guitar Center landed me with a $400 Tascam 4-track, and a bunch of stuff I didn’t need. If your little cousin is thinking of picking up an instrument, don’t let him go into this store with his clueless mom, or he’ll end up paying $100 for a microphone with an on/off switch. To put it formulaically,

lions:gazelles::Guitar Center Employees:13-year-olds who want v-shaped guitars.

The Practice Room

Steer clear of the practice area, lest you should get stuck listening to someone from this cast of characters playing you his version of the Star Spangled Banner through a Wha-Wha pedal:

-The show-off thrasher, who is actually really good, but isn’t even planning to buy a guitar. He just comes in on his lunch break to show the world his “meedly meedly.”

-The little kid who only knows how to play The Sweater Song. Over. And. Over.

-The mid-life crisis guy with spikey hair practicing his 12-bar.

1) Don't Buy An MPC When You Want A Drum Pad

The most important thing when going into this store is to know what you want. Guitar Center employees work largely for commission-based bonuses. If you go in there expecting to spend $30 on a keyboard stand, some wedding DJ named Illogic is going to try to convince you to buy a $250 model with hydraulic balancing pads, and snake skin upholstery. Don’t fall for it.

Go in with an idea of what you want to spend, and which features you really need.

4) Test

Come in to play with new expensive stuff, then look for older models on Craigslist. Why not test out the fancy analog Moog while you’re on Illogic’s clock? There’s bound to be some teenager in town who’s just gotten over his DJ phase, and has moved on to chess, or Buddhism. Chances are, he’ll unload his touchscreen turntables and in-ear monitor on the cheap.