How to be friends with an ex

Check the dictionary before any further actions.

Friend:

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron, supporter.
3. a person who is in good terms with another, a person who is not hostile.
4. a member of the same nation, party.
5. (capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends, a Quaker.

This is not Wikipedia, you don’t get to add your own definition, even more so if it goes anything along these lines: “someone I still am hanging on to, who I hope to win back by not letting him forget what an unbelievable person I am”. Although a friend is someone you may see naked at some point (fitting rooms, accident at the beach involving a strong wave and a bikini a bit too big, etc.), a friend is not someone you DREAM of seeing naked. You and your friend will be very close and intimate, however, exchanging bodily fluids is a sure sign you are NOT friends.

The only way to avoid any confusion is to befriend an ex only after you recreated a routine that doesn’t include him. It takes time and distance, something that can only be achieved by temporarily terminating all contact: Facebook, twitter, IM, blogs, emails, telephone numbers and only resume them when you’re both 150% sure there are no more feelings (good and bad) left.

Don't joke about old pet peeves

Do-you-still-squeeze-the-toothpaste-from-the-middle? jokes aren’t funny. Your friends tolerated them because they all know how spiteful we can become after a breakup. However, these feeble attempts at humor are petty, childish, cruel and may result in a snappy retort you don’t want to hear. Friends don’t bicker nor comment on each other’s  toothpaste-squeezing methods. Leave his inability to throw out the empty juice carton in the past where it belongs, it’s not like you’ll ever share a fridge with him again. EV-AH.

You're his friend not PA

This goes back to checking the dictionary before attempting a reunion. Friends help each other out, lend money, clothes (although if you’re lending clothes to your ex, you guys are on a whole other level of crazy). Friends, DO NOT:

1. know eactly where the other will be on a Friday night
2. do the other’s laundry
3. cook the other’s meals
4. take sick pets to the veterinary

If you’re doing any of the above, start charging for your services and invest the money in therapy. 

It's the 21st century but meeting the new girlfriend is still awkward

Things couldn’t be better: you have dinner, drinks, talk, laugh and the old attraction never veers its ugly head. Just as you’re complimenting yourself on what a mature woman you’ve become, he announces not only he has a new girlfriend and since you guys are getting along so well; why not get together for a quick drink sometime?

This is a lose-lose situation: if you say no, you’re the deluded ex-girlfriend who refuses to acknowledge he has moved on. If you say yes and she turns out to be a Jennifer Aniston doppel ganger, you’ll be suicidal before you can say “a martini and a shotgun, please”. It’s not that you don’t want him to be happy, you just don’t need it rubbed in your face. Always, ALWAYS say “no”. If the guy is really a friend, he won’t even suggest it.

Clean up when you have him over and never, EVER be alone with him

This is dangerous territory but I’ll take your word for it when you promise no hidden agenda lurks in your desire to show him your new curtains. Before inviting an ex over, make sure all signs of your life together are gone (especially that the faded navy shirt is safe in the bottom of your closet) and do it when other people are around. Inviting him to your Mexican party: okay. Inviting him to help you prepare the margaritas for said Mexican party: not okay.

I’m no chemistry expert, but I’ve learned one very important lesson in those tequila fueled days I call “getting a college education”: alcohol + men = possible disaster. Alcohol + ex = nuclear cataclysms. There is a reason you were a couple; along with mutual interests and goals, certainty that He Is The One, there is sexual attraction. Feelings fade away but the same cannot be said about hormones.
Unless your ex was disfigured in some tragic accident (which you were in no way responsible for, nobody’s pointing fingers) or you’ve become a lesbian, odds are you’ll still find him attractive and he’ll get more irresistible with each martini you down.

There are plenty of men out there with whom you don’t have a history just waiting for you to get drunk and have anonymous sex with.