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How to Eat a Messy Sandwich Near a Handsome Man
- by aubree_munar
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- October 04, 2008
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- 4 discussions
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Sometimes the universe presents you with a challenge so seemingly pointless and absurd it makes you wonder if there's a hidden camera in the bushes. This, dear reader, is one of them.
The Sandwich
It’s simply enormous. Who could possibly eat this sandwich? Carly Simon? Steven Tyler? Not you, that’s who could not. And it’s at least 80% sprouts. I mean, is there any nutritional value in sprouts at all, or are they just filler? Regardless of the answer to that question, the maker of this sandwich had to have known the error of his ways. During this sandwich assembly he surely must have thought “I am setting someone up for certain failure…” That someone turned out to be you. You take the first bite, nonetheless.
The Hummus
Hummus is delicious. It’s also good for you. And when I say “good for you” I mean in a healthy food kind of way. Presently, you’re attempting a second bite and the hummus is beginning to bleed through the bread, making it difficult to find a good place to hold this sandwich…
The Avocado
The avocado adds a dose of protein to this meatless sandwich, not to mention it’s delectable. On the down side, the avocado slices are beginning to slip and slide right out of the sandwich. You begin to take bites along the outside corners to contain things. It proves difficult. Like a bad cartoon, you bite one side and the avocado on the other side slips out. Now you must rely heavily on your napkin between each bite.
"Halftime"
You finish the first half of your sandwich and now you’re faced with a decision: quit while you’re ahead or gamble on the second half. You say “I’m doing this. I’m hungry, I’m human, and if he doesn’t like it, well too bad.” (Big mistake, by the way.)
Sprouts = Floss?
You avoided this in the first half, but you’ve pressed your luck too far and now the sprouts are beginning to needle their way into that winning smile.
The Napkin
One bite more and suddenly you’ve got a veritable garden on the right side of your face. By now, your napkin has very little real estate to offer. The polite “dab” is not an option; what you really need is to go splash your face in The Lincoln Center fountain and towel off.
The Hair
You’re just about halfway through the second half of your sandwich when suddenly, a strand of your long, wild hair makes its way into a bite. Now you will have to put the sandwich down and extract the strand mid-bite, and there’s just no way to do this subtly.
Tressy
Jackie O would never have been in this situation. Audrey? Never. Your grandmother? Not on your life. Why is your hair long and down and un-styled? This was preventable…
Calling it Quits
You might have two or three more bites left but it’s time to pack up and go. In the end, you may have lost an opportunity, but who knows? Maybe the universe was saving you from something unseen and unknown. One thing this situation has taught you: never order a sandwich that large and unwieldy again. (At least not for public consumption.) And if you do, bring plenty of napkins and a hair clip.
In Conclusion:
Simply not possible.
The Man
He’s looking at you. What? Yeah. I know. You. But he’s – Yeah, I know…gorgeous. How gorgeous? Please see some examples below. He sits at the nearest table across from an older man. Even as you’re chewing your first bite, he continues to look at you. You might even be blushing.
What is he discussing with that man? You’re listening to your iPod but the table is pretty close. You catch something about investments…a pricey sublet…
He’s definitely boss. The type of guy who might have a Jag parked around the corner. But chances are good he spends more time looking in the mirror than you. That is a definite no-no. But even so…
Yeah, he’s still glancing your way, but it can’t be for the same reason. You’re beginning to make an absolute mess of things over there and it can’t be pretty. It just can’t.
What does this guy do, anyway? Is he some kind of actor? Model? That would be a shame. One thing is for sure, the guy’s got style.
He’s looking at you but you aren’t looking back. It’s probably more of a spectator sport, this little situation you’ve created. Now he’s GOT to be looking for all the wrong reasons.
Really. Nice. Eyes. That gaze isn’t making things any easier. Even if you keep your own eyes down, you know the reality that is his amazing, intense eyes. What is this, a romance novel?
He must be looking away now. It simply wasn’t meant to be.
So long. Sigh. So long…
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hahhaa w@h
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Elissa, you’re a better woman than I!
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I think I become entirely a-sexual when a good sandwich sits before me. No handsome man could ever keep me from whole-hearted indulgence!
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