How to survive exams with dignity.

For me, exams equal suffering. I have never had a good time in an exam. I’ve never come out of an exam hall thinking oh that wasn’t so bad and I’d probably shoot anyone who did. Exams are murder, every time I’m handed an entry form I die a little inside.

But you see… I have a few tricks up my sleeve…

One: Find your weakness

As in, when you go into an exam or do a test do you feel headachey? Or maybe stomach ache? For me, I get horrific sudden colds and my nose runs like my brain is launching a full-scale evacuation (actually, it probably is). If you get anything like that you just need to counter it. For me it’s to dose up pretty bad. Cold & Flu capsules are incredible, they dry your head out so much it shrivels into a prune and you can’t even blink (leaving you looking alarmingly like the bloke on Hellboy[fig.2]), they keep you awake and stop headache. Lemsip Cold And Flu capsules [fig.1] are life-savers, seriously.

Two: Learning style

Le groan.

I know. We’ve been told about this year after year and it still means NOTHING to us. (especially to me. I did one of those tests to see how my brain responds to learning and the results came back as inconclusive.) But really, if reading out of a textbook helps, do it. If it doesn’t, do something else. There’s plenty of stuff to help you revise on the internet and in THE REAL WORLD and so on… You just have to google it.

Three: Time

There’s never enough time in the lengthy exams. And then there isn’t much to say if you haven’t revised properly or if it’s one of those things you know nothing about anyway. The trick is to use really sophisticated words, bung in a load of false statistics and then just blag your way through the rest. That’ll get you a B at least.

Four: Make it an art exam (if it isn't already)

One of my friends writes every different piece of information in her notes in a different colour. It’s really helpful, you can sort through information quicker and the colours make you remember it. It also makes your books look really pretty which is probably the most important thing when all is said and done.

Five: Word association

I’m a sucker for word association (and innuendos, funnily enough) and it’s pretty handy with revision. For example, in circuits the little symbol with what looks like a hockey stick across it is a Thermistor. How do I remember that? I have only ever played hockey in winter and I had to wear thermal socks because of the temperature. Just stupid things like that are surprisingly helpful.

Six: Survival technique

So suppose you’ve forgotten to do the last five things and you are now sat in the exam, drowning in snot, stumped and on the edge of insanity. Calm down. Take deep breaths. Close your eyes and count to ten. Then open them and imagine the moderators walking around in their underwear. The thought will either amuse you so much you’ll instantly feel better or it’ll scare you into doing the exam. Either way works good.