Internets - the MySpace Guide (Part 2)

MySpace - What is It?

MySpace is a social networking site on the Internets. It is where you can find other friends who have the same interests as you and arrange to meet them in real life. It’s a great resource to find new bands too, since everyone’s on MySpace.

Caveat: I’m not on MySpace, so don’t try to find me there. Most people on MySpace are not real either and in fact are robots who are looking for Sarah Conner.

MySpace is run by the users, who are all apparently graphic designers of the highest caliber. They create great sites that are easily navigable and easy on the eyes. Take this one for example. Obviously this guy’s very good at making websites. He’s
probably a top-paid executive at a marketing firm that creates custom sites.

Another great thing about MySpace is that everyone is on it. Even dead people and  dictators. You might get lucky and find fictional characters too.

MySpace lets you incorporate images, video and music into your page. This means you can share
the most important things for you. Also, if you’re a band, you can share your crappy songs with the rest of the world and talk about how indie you are cause you’re not signed.

Friends

In real life, you’re probably pretty boring. But on MySpace, you can meet tons of people and get people’s attention easily. It helps if you’re either a gangsta princess
or an inanimate object that people enjoy. Here, you can lie about anything, much like on the rest of the Internet, creating a phony persona that will attract the attention of supermodels and pederasts.

8 year olds dude.

It’s probably best to not pretend that you’re a thirteen year old kid and try to meet others who you think are underage. Otherwise, there’s a guy on Dateline NBC that would like you to have a seat over there.

You will have many friends on MySpace, and your first friend is Tom Anderson, who you’ve never met and probably never will. Nevertheless, he’s your new friend for life. He knows where you live.

How To Do MySpace

First, find a picture of yourself doing something kind of weird, like this:

Alternately, you can take a picture of yourself in the mirror or with your camera held out as if there’s another person taking the picture. This is guaranteed to get you more friends, since it seems as though a real friend took your picture.

Your Page

First, you need to choose a user name. It’s usually best to choose a name that’s written with lots of extraneous characters, including any of the characters above the numbers on your keyboard.

Good MySpace name: C@ptaiN C.R.3.A.M d@ [fuck UP] k1Dd

Bad MySpace name: John

On MySpace, it is imperative to find the most bizarre shiny pictures to adorn your site and to send as comments. This page has some of the best layouts available. Remember that if it doesn’t glitter and cause epileptic attacks, it’s no good.

After adding pictures and Tom (he’ll find you first – he’s omniscient), you’ll need to find more friends. What I recommend is using the awesome power of the MySpace search engine – quite possibly the basis for the Google algorithm that has become so popular in the last few years.

To Sum Up

MySpace is the only way to meet people on the Internets. People are exactly who they say they are, and everyone is kind to each other. When going, trust everyone implicitly and feel free to give out information gladly. Remember that MySpace is owned by Rupert Murdoch, and everything is Fair and Balanced.