9 Fail-proof Steps to Failure

Step 1: Dive right in!

Make sure your schedule is full of Science courses. If you have an English or Art class in there, get rid of it! You don’t need it! You may want to throw in a class you’ve never taken before. This way you can dive right into the unknown and waste a couple thousand doing it.

Step 2: Itty-bitty Living Space

When planning your schedule for the semester, make sure you don’t give yourself enough time for anything. This includes time between classes to walk from one building to another. Be sure that your schedule is so tight that there’s absolutely no wiggle room.

Step 3: No Teacher Required

Be sure that at least one of your classes is online. I recommend math as that is something you should be teaching yourself. It also helps if you have an anatomy course online. Being held responsible to catch up on three days of lectures before a lab is awesome.

Step 4: Early bird gets the...

Early bird gets screwed. No matter how early YOU think you’re getting to the bookstore there is someone who got there before you. This leaves one less used book for you. Spend $133 on a text book. Remove the plastic. Congratulations. Now you will not be able to get full value when you return that book you never used.

Step 5: The F-word

Fail four out of five of your first tests. Now this is going to take some talent, but trust me, it’s possible. Not only is a good boost to the ego, but it’s a great time to try to convince yourself that F stands for “Fabulous” or “Fierce.”

Step 6: Tricksters

Find a tutor who gives you the wrong formula. Never mind that he/she is a third-year student and you’re in a level-one course. That formula is tricky.

Step 7: Drop it.

Once the deadline for withdrawal has passed, consider dropping a course.

Step 8: Lose it

While struggling to balance school, work and a social life, see if it’s possible to throw in some health issues or family drama. Nothing helps more than some completely unnecessary drama. Also consider breaking up with your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend.

Step 9: Have no clue.

This is the most important step so pay close attention. Have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any given time. Let’s practice:

Student: “Hey, did you figure out the formula for number 12?”
You: “I have no eff’in idea what’s going on.”

Student #2: “What is today’s date?”
You: “Belly button.”

Student #3: “I think your brain is falling out of your head.”
You: “I love gingerbread houses.”