Seattle: A Carnivore's Dilemma?

The Met reigns supreme when it comes to Seattle steakhouses. You’ll notice that I’ve included at least two options in ever subsection of this meat-filled journey through Seattle, but it’s not going to happen here folks. The price be damned (about $60/person for dinner), when it comes to giving a cow its proper send off, they are the standalone winner. If I had to say anything negative about this place, it would be that every time I go they try to push this weird green concoction on me, something the foodies refer to as a “Sal-add.”

Dick’s Drive-In is a Seattle institution, and not just because of their sweet-ass burgers, fast service, and no fear use of lard. It’s also been reported that back in 2001, a Dick’s cashier named Corey was the first person to explain to Bill Gates that a penny is actually a form of currency, and not a projectile with which to defend yourself from the homeless.

Provided you’re on Seattle’s side of the Mississippi, don’t bother trying to find better fried chicken. Oh I know what you’re going to say, “Actually, my Uncle Leroy’s fried chicken is the…” Bullshit. Ezell’s is so tasty it made him rich. Now you were saying something about the blue ribbon and $20 gift card to Sizzler your Uncle won at the county fair? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

The pork ribs are some of the best I ever had, and I was raised in the land of barbecue. No, not New Hampshire smart guy, Texas. As in the place where all it takes to have barbecue for breakfast is cracking an egg over it.

Funny story from Willie’s — last time I finished every speck of my meal, to the point where I had picked up the plate and was licking the remnants of sauce off of it. At the same moment I realized my face was a saucy disaster, I also noticed that everyone there was staring at me in disgust. Hmmm. Now that I’ve taken the time to type that out it actually sounds more pathetic than it does funny.

As the name implies, if you don’t like oysters then you have zero taste. No wait, that’s not right. Although the name does loosely imply that their oysters are the only thing of merit, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Crab, salmon, a spectacular Cioppino, and an assorted bounty from the sea awaits those who visit Elliott’s. You might even score some of the best creme brulee if you have enough forethought to save precious stomach space for it.

Now about those oysters… sweet loogie-textured mana from bivalve heaven! The variety is exceptional, and their champion oyster bar man, David, even lets me call him “one bad mother-shucker.” Elliott’s runs a unique progressive happy hour, wherein oysters cost 50 cents at 3pm, and go up by 20 cents every half hour until 6pm. It’s a brutal race to see how many I can down in that first 30 minutes, but worth every belt-busting moment of it.

There’s something about premium seafood that is unmistakable; the buttery texture, the care in its assemblage, or in the case of the Waterfront, the shitload of money you pay for it. Expect to shell out around $100/person for your choice dinner and a good glass of wine. Make no mistakes though, you’re not paying this much for extras, like the courtesy mints they stock in the bathroom (note: ew). The Waterfront’s delectable fare is at the heart of the Northwest’s extended love affair with seafood.

After years of searching, when you finally find a sushi place that is both FRESH and CHEAP, your next move is the same as finding a girl of similar caliber; you marry her. Save the occasional misguided drunken Safeway purchase, Musashi’s is my go-to sushi house. It must be noted that this is not a large place, and were we in Tokyo, they would likely cram the people in their as if it were a subway car, but we Americans are not so easily folded into small spaces. Thankfully they have lightning fast takeout service — be prepared to use it unless you’d rather wait a half an hour (longer on weekends) to be seated.

I know it violates some Northwest beer pact that I unknowingly entered into upon moving here, but I’m tired of hiding my shame. Some foods deserve a cheap beer (Rainier! PBR! Hamms!). Not because they’re cheap, but because the flavor just works. The hedonistic effect of this simple combination is only amplified by Shorty’s multiple TV’s, ready supply of 80’s arcade games, and a tasty proprietary cocktail called the Whiskey Press. Just remember the old saying, “Beer before liquor, never a problem so long as you have a spicy dog and round of pinball in between.”