How To Survive A Snowstorm

In every neighborhood, there’s always one restaurant that decides to stay open during a blizzard. This restaurant is the smartest one in the entire neighborhood. Whether it’s Chinese, or pizza, or Khlav Kralash, you owe these wonderful business people big time. Don’t complain about a 45 minute wait, or that your delivery guy deserves a 35% percent tip. Your only other option is making something yourself. Or Death… by eventual, lazy starvation.

Mine are Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie, and the whole Muppet gang. We play XBox together, and Kermit teaches me about the simple joys of life through song. Then we all take a platonic bubble bath together.

Because “renting” on iTunes is all the rage these days, isn’t it? Nothing more awesome than paying money for a video file that self-deletes, whether or not you finish watching it. I mean, it’s super convenient with Apple TV on HD. Everybody I know has that – it’s so common. So, while I’m “renting” Fool’s Gold and Mamma Mia!, why don’t I just pick up the latest season of Entourage – at the same price I’d pay for it on DVD – except it’s permanently stuck on my hard drive? Modern technology: convenient!

You will so regret not having any extras. Especially when you don’t have to go to work, and putting on clothes is too much of a hassle.

If you don’t live with roommates, this task will be the easiest one to achieve. We all have things about ourselves that we’d love to change: lack of discipline, snapping under pressure, heavy sweating. So, now it’s time to figure out what drives you to the brink, and systemically destroy it. It’s easy and fun! First, strip down to your underwear. Second, sit outside on your fire escape (or front lawn) and brave the harshest elements of the storm for a full three hours. Stay out there until your mind begins to scream inside of your skull. Third, drink twelve cups of straight espresso in a row. No break in between cups, all of them scalding hot. Fourth, surround yourself in darkness, while staring into a mirror and meditating, waiting for your subconscious to make the first move. At one point, he will come after you with a bowie knife. Oh, and don’t eat anything. By the end of the day, you should be cured… or clinically insane.

Worst case scenario: there’s no food, none of your roommates has any cash to order in, and no one wants to actually go to the store down the block. It seems pretty simple: time to think about eating human flesh. This should’ve been a plan you all agreed upon when you signed the lease. If not, things are going to get awkward, but just follow me on this: first, you do paper/rock/scissors for immunity. There can be only one winner. The losers have to engage in a deadly battle royale in your apartment. They can utilize anything in the house at their disposal, including pets and/or unopened mail. The first to die is eaten by the other combatants and the winner of immunity gets the best bits; for he has been chosen by fate as a prophet. Just continue the deadly cycle as such, one by one; you’ll get the hang of it.

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It’s going to be a loooooonnnnnngggg day, and night. Isn’t it always best spent with somebody you can feasibly get naked with? Alright, so you two haven’t talked in a year, and she’s “celibate” right now, because she “focusing on her career”. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t been a while for her, either. Give her a call the night before the storm, get a few drinks, and then – when you’re both good and drunk – head back to your place. Come daybreak, the snow will be piling up and she won’t feel like going back to her place. So make the best of the situation: a whole day of NSA sex, both of you never wanting to talk to each other again, and splitting $10 each for a pizza. Sounds awesome to me.

Snow. Bleakness. Time to kill. Sounds like the perfect atmosphere for Russian literature. Who better than the master of fun himself, Fyodor Dostoevsky? Crime and Punishment is a classic because of the ethical questions it presents to a modern society. Also, Raskolnikov is certifiably crazy. What with killing people, playing cat-and-mouse with a police inspector, sleeping with a hot Russian waif. C&P has got all the makings of a great cabin fever read. Just remember: unlike Siberia, the snow will eventually melt outside. Do yourself a favor and take a shower after you’re done, you dirty, self-righteous lit nerd. 

Look, you’ve got quite a bit of time to kill, and you never forgave Tim Murphy for calling you a “dance pansy” during the student council debates, in front of your entire seventh grade class. Or, what about your boss? Y’know, the one that you hate. Always telling you what to do. Acting like he’s so high and mighty. Like he’s the boss of you, or something. I will drink coffee when I feel like it, DAMMIT! Time to sit down and round up the names of every person who ever did you wrong. One by one. Once the list is complete, stare out of your window into the blurry abyss and begin the first day of the rest of your life. The day you take revenge!

Once your enemies list is fully prepared, it’s then time to put your plan into action. Make like Rambo, and gear up. You’re venturing out into the worst of the storm in the dead of night to hunt your first prey.

Note: if you’re actually doing any of this, I want to emphasize that you’ve officially snapped. I am not your God, and you need a girlfriend.

This song is just awesome.

Like this guy did.