Your Parents Are Coming To New York!!!

Oh God, Look at my Apartment

Mom will still probably give you shite for an unmade bed and an unvacuumed room, so you’d better have some serious tidying up in mind before the ‘rents arrive. My parents always stay WITH me, on the futon in the living room, because my apartment is big enough, it’s free for them and it’s rather fun to play hostess to your parents for once! They did let you display your hotwheels collection all over the house when you were young—it’s time to give back! Even if they are sleeping elsewhere, they WILL be stopping by. Some tips:

• Now is the time to hide dirty magazines, beer bottles and anything else that would get you a slap on the wrist, even though you’re a full-fledged adult.
• You really don’t realize how much your apartment needs to be cleaned until you do it and notice a huge difference. Vacuum, dust, scrub, polish! Pretend you’re Cinderalla if it helps.
• Turn on the homey-ness factor: display magazines, buy some flowers and stock the fridge so they don’t suspect that you go out to eat 5 days a week (the other 2 you get take-out)

Oh God, They're Here!

No, it’s okay! Because you will have a plan. The week or weekend will not be wasted with dilly dallying in your studio apartment, staring at subway maps till mom gets too scared to go anywhere, and eventually resorting to days of television-watching and limiting the cultured-ness to ordering Chinese food from down the block. Instead, it’s all going to be fantastically fun!

Instead of the Statue of Liberty...

…take your parents to the Socrates Sculpture Park and the Isamu Noguchi Musem! Queens doesn’t get enough credit for having some cool spots. And without the crowds! It’s possible to go to a museum on a weekend in Queens and have it feel like a museum on a slow Tuesday in Manhattan. I.e., it’s actually enjoyable and you don’t have to wait five minutes to see every single work of art.

Again, this is about showing mom and dad YOUR New York, not the tourist’s New York. In the process, you will probably come across some places new to you!

Instead of a black and white cookie...

…show your parents some jaw-dropping, stomach-filling desserts they can’t get anywhere else. Before I was a transplant, I went through the black and white cookie phase, but they really aren’t good if you buy them from the typical touristy places. Look for cute bakeries that “locals” visit for good ones.

Instead of the Bright Lights of Times Square...

…go stargazing with the Amateur Astronomers Association! Okay, New York is quite possibly one of the worst places to look up at the stars (unless we’re thinking about tall and slender Uma Thurman), but you can stargaze. The AAA goes to Floyd Bennett Field, Prospect Park and even Cadman Plaza in downtown Brooklyn. Your parents will never forget that you took them stargazing in New York City.

Instead of Pizza at Lombardi's or Grimaldi's...

…take them to L&B Spumoni Gardens in Brooklyn! Lombardi’s and Grimaldi’s=long waits. Spumoni Gardens? It’s been around since 1939 and it’s an official Brooklyn landmark. It’s way out there in Bensonhurst/Gravesend, but it’s worth the trek to eat pizza in a garden and to try spumoni if you never have.

Instead of Central Park...

…take the 6 train to the end of the line to Pelham Bay Park. Um…in the Bronx. I know, big bad scary Bronx, but Pelham Bay Park is beautiful, it has Orchard Beach, and if you’re driving, you can hop across the bridge to City Island, more akin to a small coastal town than a city borough. It’s three times the size of Central Park, but you won’t have to sit towel to towel with every other New Yorker and/or visitor on the weekend. There’s even a house museum and wildlife sanctuary if you’re really digging the urban alternatives.

Instead of a Broadway Show...

…peruse BAM’s calendar with your parents. The Brooklyn Academy of Music seriously packs it in with plays, lectures, films, shows, and the list goes on and on. Worse comes to worst, you can see a movie in the plush, symphony-hall like Rose Cinema. Not every theater looks like a Loew’s! Thanks goodness.

Instead of a Bus Tour...

…see Manhattan by a different mode of transportation. I always feel like a safari animal on the ground when those bus tours pass by, especially now that they are frequently in my Brooklyn neighborhood. There are far more interesting ways to really see the city! You can:

• kayak/canoe downtown
• take a cruise around Manhattan
• rent bikes in Central Park and choose where to go
• take the water taxi

And...they're gone!

Breathe. Relax. And get back to the real New York, the one where you have a long commute, a boring office job, and that Chinese take-out to come home to. Hmm, what did I Tivo…